The Terror of Dress Shopping Continues

So, with only 6 days left till Theresa and Chuck's wedding, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and go shopping for something wear. It didn't seem fair. I went into a thrift shop, they had a really nice slate grey jacket that fit David perfect, was in perfect condition, and cost $6. I went to the women's section. The only thing they had in my size was a lime green shirt that had bizarre hair-like strands hanging from it. Seriously, it looked like someone had eviscerated Kermit the Frog. I was tempted to buy it just take a picture of it for the blog, but I really didn't feel like encouraging this kind of thing.

So, $6 later, we had grown up clothes for David, and I continued my lonely search for clothes alone. After hitting way too many stores, I finally found what I initially thought was a nice dress. Solid purple, v-neck, sleeveless, kind of flouncy skirt. Now, in the store, I thought I looked a little bumpy, but figured, hey, the mirrors are bad, the lighting... it's amazing what I can tell myself when I just want to get out of a store.

I got home and tried on the dress for David. Have you seen the movie Popeye where Olive Oyl is trying to think of all of Bluto's good qualities, and the only one she can think of is, "He's large"? I am fairly certain that it was only David's sense of self-preservation that kept him from quoting that song. He kept ... silent for a minute. I finally said, "Do you think I should get a body shaper?" He is a smart man and remained non-committal.

So, I ordered the body shaper. I learned a few things:

• A "body shaper" is what our mothers used to call "a girdle".
• Never try on a rubber-based undergarment when you are already hot and sweaty. It's amazing how slippery those things can get. Luckily it missed the cat on the rebound.
• When a model is wearing a body shaper in a catalog and doesn't have any bulges, it's because she didn't have any to start with.
• The body shaper doesn't so much smooth out bumps as it moves them around. It's like trying to hang wallpaper and you get an air bubble so you use the little roller to get rid of the air bubble, but the air bubble just moves around. When I put on the body shaper, my thighs started bulging in a spectacularly unnatural way.

So, today, I picked up what is either a fancy scarf/shawl or a picnic blanket. I'm not sure which it actually is, but it matches the dress, and when combined with the body shaper, I... well, honestly, I look like a trannie Pillsbury Doughboy. But at least a slightly less bumpy one! The best I can do is to keep working on the lumpy areas in the gym.

Confidential to V: For the love of all that's holy, please either get married soon while this dress still fits, or get married in a Chuck E. Cheese!